Zvonko Bušić napisao kako je u zatvoru uspio sačuvati svoju duhovnu slobodu

Zvonko Bušić vjerovao je kako dobre stvari trebaju biti dostupne svima. Ono za što je živio, radio i vjerovao, za što je podnio žrtvu, objavljeno je u knjizi “Zdravo oko”, koja je dostupna na Amazonu. pod nazivom “All Visible Things”. Taj djelić hrvatske povijesti odsad ćete moći čitati svake druge srijede na hrvatskom i engleskom jeziku, na portalu dijaspora.hr. Poglavlje po poglavlje, kap krvi po kap krvi i život dan po dan u 33 dijela – samo s jednim ciljem! Trajat će…

Savršen poredak

S vremenom sam, zahvaljujući svojoj Penelopi i prijateljima, uglavnom prevladao početnu postzatvorsku nelagodu i, kao se to danas popularno kaže, integrirao se u normalan život. Međutim, sve me više brinuo smjer u kojem je išla mlada hrvatska država. Ispočetka sam bio prilično benevolentan prema aktualnoj vlasti s HDZ-om i Ivom Sanaderom na čelu, no brzo sam shvatio da to više nije Tuđmanov HDZ, da su karijeristi i kriptojugoslaveni potisnuli domoljube. Nešto dulje mi je trebalo da shvatim kako i na raspršenoj tzv. desnici konce vuku ljudi bez pameti ili bez poštenja, a često lišeni obe karakteristike.

Savršen poredak neostvariv je na ovome svijetu, ali kad iz ljudskih umova i srca iščezne i težnja za njim, uvijek dobijemo loš, korumpiran i neučinkovit sustav. Nerijetko s izdajicama na čelu. Pokušao sam utjecati na političku situaciju i vlastitim angažmanom, no nisam uspio jer sam se stalno susretao sa stavom – „Stranka je iznad svih i svega“ – važnija od naroda i dobrobiti zemlje. Kako ne volim izigravati cirkusanta u političkoj areni, javnim sam priopćenjem upoznao javnost sa svojim povlačenjem i razlozima povlačenja.

U ovom poglavlju ne želim podrobno pisati o političkim previranjima u suvremenoj Hrvatskoj, ovo kratko podsjećanje na moja postzatvorska iskustva, zapravo je uvod razmišljanju o savršeno funkcionalnom poretku. Takav poredak uistinu postoji, korisno ga je iskusiti, ali to iskustvo ne bih poželio ni Hrvatskoj ni bilo kojoj drugoj zemlji na svijetu.

Čitatelj se možda pita, gdje je ostvaren taj savršeni poredak? Zasada, kao što je razvidno i iz mojih prethodnih opservacija zatvorskog života – samo u zatvorima, najstrožim zatvorima! Mehanizam koji uspostavlja taj red nije utemeljen na idealima, nego na osnovnim ljudskim osjetima i porivima, kao što su strah, pohlepa, potreba za sigurnošću i nagon za preživljavanjem. Kad su me nakon bijega prebacili u stroži zatvor, uvjerio sam se u to sam.

U zatvoru nas je bilo samo četrdeset i osam. Riječ je bila, ironično rečeno, o zatvorskoj „eliti“. Samo su dva kaznena djela “kvalificirala” zatvorenike toga zatvora: ubojstvo počinjeno u zatvoru ili uspješan bijeg iz zatvora. Zanimljivo je, kada god zatvorenike premještaju u druge zatvore, njihove reputacije, kao u filmovima o Divljem zapadu, uvijek stignu na nova odredišta mnogo prije nego se oni tamo pojave. Tako je bilo i ovdje.

Svi zatvorenici bili su svjesni da su u sredini gdje se moraju držati strogoga nepisanog kodeksa ili će snositi posljedice, što je uključivalo i gubitak života. Ravnoteža straha urodila je redom, međusobnim uvažavanjem i gotovo filozofskom korektnošću, jednom vrstom razborite uzajamnosti. Samokontrola u svrhu preživljavanja urodila je samoregulirajućim sustavom, kojemu, činilo se, zatvorski stražari nisu bili ni potrebni. Dostojevski je, čini mi se, negdje rekao da je “čovjek biće koje se na sve navikava”, nedvojbeno potaknut vlastitim zatvorskim iskustvom.

Zatvor je sredina u kojoj se ta njegova tvrdnja najeksplicitnije potvrđuje. Slično se svakodnevno događa i u tzv. vanjskom svijetu, ali tu ljude iluzija o vlastitoj slobodi sprječava da jasno uoče i prepoznaju te mehanizme. Stoga nije čudno da se mnogi bivši zatvorenici slabo snalaze na slobodi. U njihovu se svijest, koliko god se to činilo nemogućim, utisnuo zatvorski poredak kao savršeni poredak. Zapazio sam da se nekako neugodno osjećaju oni zatvorenici koji su u međuvremenu bili otpušteni i u samo nekoliko mjeseci zaradili novu kaznu i vratili se u zatvor. Oni pak koji su na slobodi proveli makar godinu dana, smatrali su to svojim velikim uspjehom i govorili da im je to bila najbolja i najljepša godina u životu. Zapravo svi stariji robijaši taj su začarani krug prošli barem nekoliko puta.

Poznavao sam jednoga, koji je u svojoj pedesetgodišnjoj zatvorskoj karijeri 14 puta kažnjavan i 13 puta otpuštan iz zatvora. Pripovijedao je, da je u tih pedeset godina samo četrdeset mjeseci proveo na slobodi i da će ga po svemu sudeći ovaj put iz zatvora iznijeti u lijesu. To što su oni idealizirali kratko vrijeme provedeno na slobodi zapravo je izraz razumljive ljudske čežnje za normalnim životom, međutim podsvjesno su pripadali zatvorskom sustavu i u njega se uvijek vraćali.

Ono što me osobno čuvalo od inficiranja logikom zatvorskoga sustava bila je svijest o vlastitoj misiji u borbi za nacionalnu slobodu, zbog koje sam konačno i završio u američkom zatvoru. Ta svijest omogućila mi je da se izdignem i onda kada se činilo da sam bačen u najdublji krug pakla. Izborio sam se za svoje mjesto u „savršenom zatvorskom poretku“, ali nikada nisam zaboravljao na kakvim je primitivnim mehanizmima on utemeljen. Tako sam uspio sačuvati i svoju duhovnu slobodu, koja možda i nije ništa drugo do sposobnost odmaka od stvarnosnih, fizičkih okvira u kojima se čovjek nalazi.

Ipak, moram priznati da je zatvorski kodeks života i ponašanja i na meni ostavio dubok trag. Nakon izlaska iz zatvora dugo mi je trebalo da naviknem na uobičajene ljudske kontakte u slobodnom svijetu. Ljudskoga dodira nema u zatvoru, nitko te ne grli, to nije dopušteno i znak je slabosti, komunikacija se odvija bez emocije, nema nikakvih prisnih kontakata. Sâm sam se odvikao od toga. Trideset i dvije godine Julie i ja nikada nismo bili nasamo, a posljednje dvije godine vidjeli smo se i čuli samo preko stakla. I kada sam došao doma, Julie me htjela zagrlili, bez dopuštenja, kad joj padne na pamet, a ja sam se osjećao kao da me netko napada. U zatvoru nikoga ne smiješ dirati bez dopuštenja, ne postoji ništa poput zagrljaja, poljubaca, osim, naravno, među homoseksualcima.

Teško joj je bilo zapamtiti da se to ne smije, a posebno da mi ne smije prilaziti s leđa. Kada u zatvoru netko prilazi iza leđa, to može biti jako opasno. Stoga se tamo uvijek najavljuje kada se nekom približava, daje neki znak, nakašlje se ili nešto slično, da čovjek zna da je netko iza, inače bi mogao pomisliti da ga se želi napasti. Julie mi je ispočetka stalno prilazila ne razmišljajući o tome, ne bih je čuo, i zagrlila bi me, odjednom, a ja bih se trznuo i naljutio, zaboravivši na trenutak gdje sam. Još uvijek imam tu naviku, dajem do znanja da se približavam kako bi drugi znali gdje sam, ako im prilazim iz kuta izvan njihova vidokruga. Teško je odviknuti se takvih navika.

Kada sam stigao, imao sam i dosta zdravstvenih problema. Posljednjih mjeseci u zatvoru tijekom noći sam spavao malo ili nimalo, a živčani završeci u nogama su mi za stalno oštećeni. Posljedice stresa. Tijekom jednog razdoblja hrvatski službenici stalno su me uvjeravali da ću biti pušten, te idući tjedan, te idući mjesec, te brzo, te uskoro, samo dok se riješi još ovo ili ono. Mučenje nadom i neizvjesnošću zna biti gore od nepostojanja ikakve nade za izlazak iz zatvora. Ispočetka nakon izlaska iz zatvora, dok se nisam smirio, trzao sam nogama u snu, nerijetko bih Julie udario takvim nekontroliranim trzajima, tako da smo često ili ona ili ja spavali na madracu na podu.

Julie mi je pričala da se znalo dogoditi kada je probudim udarcima da bi mi se cijelo tijelo trzalo u valovima. To ju je jako uplašilo, osobito kada je prvi to vidjela. Onda bi plakala, koliko joj je bilo žao i strašno gledati, a ja nisam imao pojma što mi se događa u snu. Stradala su mi i ramena, jer kada bih bio na podu u lisicama i lancima, stražari bi me zgrabili za ruku i digli gore, a zglobovi bi iskočili. Srećom, danas sam u dobrom stanju, mentalno i fizički, puno vježbam, još uvijek mogu napraviti stotinu i pedeset zgibova. Doduše, manje nego u zatvoru, ali dosta dobro za „starca“.

Čim sam došao doma, dao sam u dvorištu izraditi spravu za vježbanje da ne bih morao prekinuti s navikom intenzivne tjelovježbe koju sam prakticirao u zatvoru uvijek kada su okolnosti to dopuštale.

Zvonko Bušić

EN.

Zvonko believed that good things should be shared with everyone. What he lived, worked for and believed in, what he sacrificed for, is presented in his book “All Visible Things”, which is available on Amazon. From now on, you will be able to have access to this part of Croatian history every other Wednesday and print it out free of charge, in Croatian and English, on the dijaspora.hr portal. Chapter by chapter, drop of blood by drop of blood, and life day by day in 33 parts – with only one goal! He will live on…

A Perfect Order

In time, thanks to my Penelope and my friends, I overcame most of the initial post-prison discomfort, and as one says today, “integrated into normal life.” Meanwhile, I became more and more concerned about the direction in which the young Croatian state was headed. At first, I had a fairly benevolent view toward the then Croatian Democratic Uniongovernment headed by Ivo Sanader, but I soon realized that it was no longer Tudjman’s CDU, that careerists and disguised Yugoslav recidivists had suppressed the patriotic faction. It took me somewhat longer to understand how the strings on the dispersed so-called “conservative” scene were being pulled by people lacking either intellect or integrity, and often both. A perfect order is unattainable in this world, but if human minds and hearts lose even the desire to attain it, then we get a substandard, corrupt, and ineffective order. Often with traitors at its head. I attempted to have some effect on the political situation through my own engagement, but I failed because I was constantly confronted with the view that “the party was more important than everyone and everything” – even more important than our people and the welfare of the country.

Because I have always rejected the role of clown in the political arena, I issued a public statement to explain my retreat from politics and the reasons why. Since I will not be writing in detail about the political “fermentations”in today’s Croatia in this chapter, this short flashback into my post-prison experiences serves mostly as an introduction to my thoughts on a perfect, functioning order.

There really is such an order, and it is useful to experience it, although I would never wish it on Croatia or any other country in the world. The reader might ask where such a perfect order exists. So far, as I have indicated in previous observations about prison life, it exists only in prison, in the harshest of prisons! The mechanism used to establish this order is not based on ideals, but on basic human senses and drives such as fear, greed, the need for security, and the instinct for survival.

After my escape, when they transferred me to a harsher prison, I was able to confirm this. There were 48 of us in this special unit. Ironically speaking, we were the “prison elite”. The offense itself “qualified” the prisoner for such a specification: murder committed in prison or a successful prison escape. It is interesting that whenever a prisoner is transferred to another prison, his reputation – like in movies about the Wild West – always arrives to the destination before he himself appears. That’s how it was in this prison, and all the prisoners were aware that in this environment they had to observe very strict unwritten codes or suffer the consequences, which could include loss of life. Balancing these fears resulted in order, mutual respect, and an almost philosophical correctness, a kind of reasoned reciprocity. Self-control, having survival as its goal, resulted in a self-regulated system in which, it seemed, there was no necessity for guards.

I think it was Dostoyevsky who wrote that “man is a being that can adjust to anything”, probably prompted by his own prison experiences. Prison is an environment in which his remark can be explicitly confirmed. Similar things happen in everyday life, but there the illusion of one’s own freedom prevents people from recognizing this mechanism. So it is not surprising that many former prisoners have a hard time coping in the free world. Engraved into their consciousness, as impossible as it seems, is the idea that prison order is the perfect order. I noticed that prisoners who had been released and then returned after only a few months with a new sentence seemed very uncomfortable. And those who spent at least a year on the outside considered it a great success and said it was the best, most wonderful year of their life. Actually, all the seasoned prisoners had gone through this experience at least a few times. I knew someone who, during his fifty-year prison career, had been sentenced fourteen times and released thirteen times. He confessed to me that in those fifty years in prison, he had only spent 14 months in freedom and that the next time he left it would probably be in a coffin.

The fact that they idealized that short time spent in freedom is really an expression of the understandable human yearning for a normal life; however, they belonged subconsciously to the prison system and always returned to it. What protected me from being infected by the logic of the prison system was the awareness of my own mission in the struggle for national freedom, for which I had eventually ended up in an American prison. This awareness enabled me to rise above everything, even when it seemed I had been thrown into the deepest circles of Hell. I fought for my place in the “perfect prison order”, but I never forgot the primitive mechanisms upon which it was based. I succeeded in preserving my spiritual freedom, which is perhaps in essence simply the capability to retreat from reality, from one’s actual physical space. But I have to admit that the prison code of life and behavior left a deep mark on me.

After leaving prison, I also needed time to become used to normal human contact in the free world. Human touch does not exist in prison, nobody hugs you; this is not permitted as it is considered a sign of weakness. Communication takes place without emotion, and there are no close contacts. I succeeded in breaking myself of that. For thirty-two years, Julie and I had never been alone, and the last two years we saw and spoke to each other only through a pane of glass. When I came home, Julie wanted to hug me, without permission, whenever she felt like it, but I felt as though I were being attacked. In prison there are no hugs, no kisses, except, of course, between the homosexuals. It was hard for her to remember, and especially that she wasn’t allowed to approach me from behind. In prison, if someone comes up behind you, it can be very dangerous. So you always had to give a sign if you were coming close, make a noise, cough or something, so that the other person knows you’re there. Otherwise, he might think you were going to attack him. From the very beginning, Julie would approach me – not thinking, I wouldn’t hear her – and hug me all of a sudden, and I would jerk and get angry, forgetting for a moment where I was. I still have that habit of giving some kind of signal when I come up behind a person if I happen to be outside his range of vision. It’s difficult to break those habits.

When I came home, I also had many health problems. The last few years in prison I slept little or not at all, and the nerve endings of my legs became damaged as a result of stress. During one extended period, certain Croatian officials assured me I would be released, next week, next month, quickly, soon, as soon as this or that was resolved, and so on. The torture of hope and uncertainty can often be worse than the lack of any hope at all of being released.

After my release from prison, my legs would twitch violently in my sleep until I calmed down, and I’d often kick Julie during these attacks. So one of us would end up sleeping on a mattress on the floor. Julie told me that sometimes, when I would wake her up with a kick, my whole body would be jerking in waves, from head to foot. That terrified her, especially the first time she saw it. Then she would cry, because she felt so bad and it was horrible to watch, although I had no idea what was happening while I slept. My shoulders were damaged as well, because when I’d be in chains and cuffs on the floor somewhere, the guards would grab me by the arm and pull me upright so hard that the shoulder joints would pop out. Fortunately, I’m in good shape now, mentally and physically. I exercise a lot, and I can still do 150 chin-ups. Less than I did in prison, but still good for an “old man”. As soon as I came home, I had exercise bars built in the yard so I wouldn’t have to interrupt my habit of intense prison exercise.

Zvonko Bušić

Ključne riječi #Julienne Bušić #Zdravo oko #Zvonko Bušić