‘Neki dragocjeni odgovori došli su mi u snu, a ne tijekom dugih budnih razmišljanja’

Zvonko Bušić vjerovao je kako dobre stvari trebaju biti dostupne svima. Ono za što je živio, radio i vjerovao, za što je podnio žrtvu, objavljeno je u knjizi “Zdravo oko”, koja je dostupna na Amazonu. pod nazivom “All Visible Things”. Taj djelić hrvatske povijesti odsad ćete moći čitati svake druge srijede na hrvatskom i engleskom jeziku, na portalu dijaspora.hr. Poglavlje po poglavlje, kap krvi po kap krvi i život dan po dan u 33 dijela – samo s jednim ciljem! Trajat će…

Život i smrt

Moj je zatvorski prijatelj tako našao svoj mir. U smrti. Ja sam pak svoj mir iznova morao tražiti. Američki su zatvori neka vrsta modernih robovlasničkih plantaža, s tom razlikom da su ovim današnjim robovima oduzeta i ona najosnovnija prava, uključivši i pravo na obitelj i potomke. Treba priznati, u ovim se zatvorima ne gladuje i fizička su mučenja rijetka, ali zatvorenicima se stalno lomi duh i ubijaju sve vrline koje čovjeka čine čovjekom.

S obzirom na to da je sloboda duhovna potreba, svaki je zatvor duhovna pustinja. Velika većina zatvorenika nema mnogo ni duha niti ljudskih vrlina, pa poput domaćih životinja puno lakše podnose ovu ljudsku farmu i svojim ponašanjem uvelike zagorčuju živote nekolicini ostalih koji se trude sačuvati svoju dušu i svoju ljudskost. Meni osobno, kao strancu i bez ikoga svoga, sve je to puno teže i mučnije podnositi i sumnjam da bih izdržao da već unaprijed nisam bio spreman za svoje ideale podnijeti sve patnje i najveće žrtve.

Nažalost, neumoljivi zub vremena i tu je učinio svoje, i kako su godine prolazile, moj je robijaški križ postajao sve teži, tako da je bilo i cijelih godina u kojima sam se osjećao kao čovjek koji putuje nepreglednom pustinjom, potpuno sam i bez gotovo ikakve nade da će ikada ugledati kraj svoje pustinje. Moram priznati da su mi te beznadne godine bile vrlo duge i teške, ali nikada nisam očajavao, jer sam vjerovao da moja robija ima svoju simboličnu važnost i da bi moja izdržljivost i nepokolebljivost mogla nadahnuti neke nove hrvatske pregaoce, koji će se dovinuti onomu što je meni slomilo krila.

Tako sam, sve do promjena i ratnih zbivanja u domovini, nekako preživljavao i izdržavao svoju robiju bez osobitih duševnih kriza. Međutim, uspostavom neovisne Republike Hrvatske ostvarena je ideja za koju sam prinosio svoju žrtvu, pa je time i moja robija izgubila simbolični i svaki drugi smisao. Najednom sam se osjetio kao skretničar na tračnicama kojima vlakovi više ne prolaze, kao ugašeni svjetionik na napuštenom moru, pa je svjetlo počelo slabjeti i u mojoj duši. U doba Domovinskoga rata teško sam nalazio mira i spokoja, jer sam fizički bio u zatvoru, a duhom i mislima stalno u domovini. Jasno je da sam bio vrlo ponosan i sretan kad sam slušao i čitao kako su hrvatski dragovoljci svojim herojskim pobjedama oslobađali komad po komad naše domovine. Međutim, moja je sreća i radost bila pomiješana s frustracijama, jer ostvarenje čovjekovih snova, ostvarenje njegovih ideala i životnog cilja nije samo po sebi dovoljno.

Da bi se osjetilo zadovoljstvo, ta se radost i sreća mora dijeliti sa suborcima i prijateljima, sa svojim bližnjima. Dvije-tri godine nakon međunarodnog priznanja Hrvatske nadao sam se i očekivao da će me Amerikanci pustiti, kao što su neki drugi pušteni iz zatvora u nekim drugim državama. U tom pogledu nije manjkalo ohrabrenja iz Zagreba. Moja su nadanja nakon sporazuma u Daytonu porasla jer sam bio obaviješten da je predsjednik Tuđman, kada su ga američki pregovarači pitali što bi mu mogli učiniti, jer je puno pomogao da se sporazum realizira, među inim stvarima tražio da me se premjesti u Hrvatsku, kako bih ostatak kazne mogao odslužiti u vlastitoj zemlji.

Nada mi je toliko narasla da sam glavninu svojih stvari odmah poslao u Hrvatsku. Čak je i moje civilno odijelo puna 23 mjeseca visjelo u uredu službenika zaduženog za moj slučaj, dok sam ja svakodnevno očekivao da ću napokon, živ i zdrav, svojom nogom stupiti na slobodno tlo naše domovine. Nije se tu radilo samo o tome hoće li me iz zatvora otpustiti idući dan, idući mjesec, iduću godinu ili pak za nekoliko godina, nego je u pitanju bilo hoću li idućega dana, tjedna ili mjeseca vidjeti domovinu, ili možda to nikada živ neću dočekati. Kakve su to muke i koliki izazovi, može znati samo onaj tko nešto slično proživi i preživi. To se ne može opisati. Mogu samo reći toliko da mi je svaki od tih mjeseci u iščekivanju bio teži od bilo koje beznadne godine.

Na žalost, to je bio tek početak mojih gorkih iskušenja, jer je sudbina mojoj duši priredila još težu kušnju. Kako je vrijeme više protjecalo, to se iščekivanje sve više pretvaralo u „mučenje nadom“. Zbog svih neizvjesnosti, koje su uistinu bile strašne Tantalove muke, potpuno sam izgubio san. Samo bih ležao na krevetu, satima, u silnoj nadi da ću, ako razmislim o nečem drugom, ako se opustim, ako se oslobodim teških, tmurnih misli – onda moći zaspati bar nekoliko sati. Ali tjednima i mjesecima nisam uspio uopće spavati ili barem ne više od sat-dva u komadu. Mislim da je teško naći gore mučenje, fizičko mučenje barem brže prođe, pa možeš odahnuti, ali bez sna su dani vječni, neizdrživi, počneš gubiti orijentaciju, misli lutaju svugdje pa ti nije jasno ni gdje si, ni što se događa. Dok drugi jedva čekaju da mogu leći, odmoriti se, lijepo sanjati, obnoviti tijelo i dušu, sama pomisao na krevet meni je bila noćna mora, u strahu da opet neću moći zaspati, da ću vjerojatno još jednom ležati satima u agoniji – da se nikada neću probuditi, jer čovjek koji ne zaspi ne može se ni probuditi.

Uz to sam se bojao, ako i uspijem zaspati da ću se probuditi nakon nekoliko minuta, kao da je i taj kratki san samo varka, još jedna okrutna šala. Čovjek bez sna poludi, o tome nema dvojbi. Liječnik mi je davao različite lijekove, ali nijedan nije imao učinka – ili je bio potpuno neučinkovit ili sam uz njega osjećao strašne nuspojave, neopisive bolove i slične tegobe koje nisam mogao izdržati. Konačno, dali su mi za probu nešto predviđeno samo za one koji imaju epileptičke napade. Nisam se ničemu nadao, ali valjalo je probati, nisam imao ništa – ama baš ništa za izgubiti.

Još uvijek se sjećam kako sam popio tabletu i išao si napraviti šalicu kave. Ali skoro se nisam uspio ni vratiti u ćeliju, toliko su mi noge postale teške, kao da me više ne mogu držati. Jedva sam došao do kreveta, jednostavno sam kolabirao. Spavao sam 22 sata bez prekida, kao mrtvac. Dok su si drugi zatvorenici željeli svakakve stvari, žene, drogu, putovanja, meni je jedino važan bio san, dobar san. Ništa drugo nisam zaželio. Malo sam se pomalo normalizirao, ojačao, a svaki dan bio sam zahvalan što sam konačno našao lijek koji djeluje. Ali kao što se često zna dogoditi, zatvorski proračun je morao biti srezan. Lijek više nisam mogao dobiti jer je bio preskup i predviđen samo za epileptičare. Srećom da mi se stanje sa snom malo popravilo, premda je „mučenje nadom“ nastavljeno.

Ovdje ću ukratko ispričati jedan čudesan san koji sam u tim tjeskobnim trenutcima sanjao. Naime, u tom snu vodio sam razgovor s Bogom koji je otprilike ovako tekao: “Došao si me nešto pitati”, začujem Božji glas.

“Ako imaš vremena i ako ne smetam”, uzvratim. Bog se nasmiješi i reče: “Ništa me ne smeta, a moje vrijeme cijela je vječnost, pitaj što ti srce želi”.

“Želio bih znati što Te kod ljudi najviše iznenađuje?” Bog mi ovako odgovori: “To, da im dosadi biti djeca, i da se uvijek žure odrasti, a kad odrastu, žele opet postati djeca. To, da izgube dušu i zdravlje da bi se obogatili, a onda potroše bogatstvo u potrazi za onim što su izgubili. To, da ne vide da s njima i u njima živi prošlost koliko i sadašnjost, i da su prošlost, sadašnjost i budućnost jedna cjelina. To, da svoje živote žive, kao da nikada neće umrijeti, i da umiru, kao da nikada nisu ni živjeli”.

Nakon određene šutnje ja opet pitam: “Dakle, koje bi životne spoznaje, kao naš Nebeski Otac, svojoj djeci danas posebno preporučio?”

Bog se još slađe nasmiješi i nastavi: “Da uvide kako nikoga ne mogu prisiliti da ih zavoli, nego da jednostavno puste da ih se voli, kao i to da ljubav nije kad dvoje bulje jedno u drugo, nego kad oboje gledaju u istom smjeru. Da nauče da je od onoga što imaju u svojim životima, mnogo važnije koga imaju u svojim životima. Da nauče da nije dobro uspoređivati se s drugima, jer će se svima ponaosob suditi po njihovim djelima i zaslugama. Da spoznaju da nije bogat onaj koji najviše ima, nego je bogat onaj kojemu najmanje treba. Da spoznaju da sreća nije u sreći, nego u njezinom postizanju, drugim riječima – nadati se znači živjeti. Da nauče da im nekada samo jedna sekunda strpljenja može prištedjeti cijeli život žalosti. Da uvide kako je najveći grijeh ono što ih same najviše ponižava. Da uvide da oni koji se vole vrlo lako mogu i povrijediti jedno drugo, ali da takva rana teško zacijeli i da zato zaista nauče opraštati. Da spoznaju kako nije uvijek dovoljno da im drugi oproste, nego da oni mogu sami sebi oprostiti. Da uvide da ima i onih koji ih zaista vole, ali jednostavno ne znaju to izraziti, niti pokazati svoje osjećaje. Da nauče da dvije osobe mogu jednu te istu stvar sasvim drukčije vidjeti i da im je pravi prijatelj onaj koji ih voli i cijeni i onda kad ih u dušu poznaje i sve o njima zna. I da nauče, da novac može kupiti sve, osim dvije stvari: pravu sreću na ovom svijetu i život vječni u Kraljevstvu Nebeskom”.

Više nego zadovoljan odgovorom, ja sam se radosno nasmiješio, i Bogu se zahvalio na ljubaznosti i savjetima, i na svemu što je učinio za moju rodbinu, moje prijatelje i moj hrvatski narod. “U svako doba”, reče mi Bog, “ja sam i dan i noć na raspolaganju, kad god imaš neko pitanje, obrati mi se i ja ću odgovoriti“.

Moram priznati da mi je taj zaista čudesni razgovor u snu uvelike pomogao još bolje razumjeti da u međuljudskim odnosima nisu same po sebi važne riječi i djela, nego je mnogo važnije, koji učinak, i kakve osjećaje nečije riječi i djela izazovu u nama, ili naše riječi i djela u drugim ljudima, posebno onima koje cijenimo i volimo. Jer i riječi i djela lako se zaboravljaju, dok se osjećaji duboko usijeku u ljudsku dušu i srce, i tako postaju dio našega bića. Naravno, uočavao sam u svom „razgovoru s Bogom“ i odjeke lektire koju sam pročitao i sublimaciju iskustava koja sam proživio, no svejedno mi se činilo da me dodirnula neka viša sfera, ona kojoj se čovjek obraća u nevolji.

Je li to anđeo, Bog, superego ili nešto drugo, nevažno je, bitno je da pomaže, krijepi i jača. Život mi je, kako rekoh, nakon ostvarenja sna u obliku slobodne i samostalne hrvatske države na neki način postao još teži. Moja je žrtva gubila smisao. Kao da je povijest prošla mimo mene i ne osvrnuvši se. Dok je Hrvatska bila neslobodna, moja je patnja imala smisao i simbolično značenje, kao utjeha onima koji zlopate kao i ja ili kao putokaz onima koji se tek spremaju krenuti nesigurnim i opasnim putovima borbe za nacionalno oslobođenje.

Sada sam se morao okrenuti nalaženju novoga smisla, nove nade. Kad je u zatvoru, čovjek, ako nije sasvim otupio, preispituje vlastiti život i smisao života uopće. Zato su valjda i neka od najpoznatijih i najdubljih književnih djela svjetske literature nastala na temelju zatvorskih iskustava. Moj san o razgovoru s Bogom značio je još jedan zaokret u zatvorskom duhovnom sazrijevanju. Između mene i konačnih pitanja nije više sjajio ni utješni ideal hrvatske slobode, morao sam se suočiti sa smrću, ne onom fizičkom, toj sam više puta gledao u oči, nego sa smrću kao duhovnim i intelektualnim pitanjem.

Čudno je da su mi neki dragocjeni odgovori na ta pitanja došli u snu, a ne tijekom dugih budnih razmišljanja. Odgovor na pitanje o smrti je život sam. Svijetom ravnaju dvije sile: osjećaj i misao. Osjećaje simbolizira krv, misao simbolizira novac, jer nema apstraktnije i osjećajima nedohvatljivije ljudske tvorevine od novca. Snage krvi i snage novca vode nesmiljeni rat kroz cijelu ljudsku povijest. Nevolja je samo što su krv i novac postali nerazlučivi i na neki način međuovisni. Krv je postala ovisna o novcu, novac u krvi. Cirkuliraju i krv i novac, krvi je za održanje potreban novac, a novcu krv. Osjećaj i misao sakati su jedno bez drugoga, a opet u vječnom neprijateljstvu. O omjerima u kojima se miješaju, čini mi se, sve ovisi.

Tamo gdje krv vodi, a misao joj pomaže, raste i jača zajednica, nastaje poletna i snažna nacionalna država. Tamo gdje novac vodi, a krv mu robuje, zajednica se rastače, propada, nestaju nacionalne države, a stvara se carstvo kojim upravlja financijsko središte. Budući da nema afektivnog vezivnog tkiva koje bi povezivalo takav imperij, on nužno klizi prema totalitarizmu. Nalazeći utjehu u raspetljavanju krajnjih pitanja, zagonetki bez jednoznačne odgonetke, čekao sam slobodu ili smrt.

Začudo one imaju dosta dodirnih točaka, i nisu tako različite kako se u prvi mah čini. No, s druge strane zatvor je, uza sve svoje užase, i zanimljivo mjesto, mjesto na kojem možeš sresti ljude kakve na slobodi teško da bi sreo. Stoga je ova priča o mom životu dijelom i njihova priča, priča ljudi koje sam sretao u zatvoru. Većina zatvorenika uistinu su kriminalci, ovisnici, sociopati, rijetko se može dogoditi da u zatvoru upoznaš zanimljive ljude, ljude s kojima možeš voditi mudre i duboke razgovore. Aldrich Ames bio je jedan od takvih i obojici nam je bilo drago kada smo se našli.

Ames je inače bio visoki dužnosnik CIA-e, koji je zbog ideoloških razloga, novca, i pohlepe svoje žene državne tajne prodavao Rusiji. Da ga nisu otkrili, po mom sudu, sada bi bio ravnatelj CIA-e. Dobio je doživotnu robiju zbog zločina izdaje, a vjerojatno sam mu spasio život jer su ga mafijaši odmah htjeli ubiti misleći da je on bio obični cinker, poput onih koji su njih cinkali i spremili u zatvor. Nekako sam ih uspio odgovoriti od njihova nauma, rekavši im da se on nikako ne može usporediti s cinkerima iz njihove organizacije jer je Ames prokazao Ruse koji su izdavali svoju zemlju Amerikancima za novac. Bili smo smješteni ćelija do ćelije, bio mi je prvi susjed. Tijekom pet godina dnevno smo razgovarali o svemu i svačemu.

Na početku me potpuno krivo smatrao fašistom, nekim potpuno suprotnim od njega, okorjeloga marksista, ali s vremenom se to promijenilo. Bio je očajan zbog toga što nije imao sugovornika, kao i ja, pa smo se zbližili. Kroz duge razgovore promijenio je stav o meni, o Hrvatskoj, jer, iako je bio veliki intelektualac, i u svijetu imao moć da utječe na stvari u drugim zemljama, bio je potpuno neinformiran o hrvatskoj povijesti, što je zastrašujuće jer je isti taj problem nerazumijevanja bio prisutan i kod ostalih pripadnika međunarodne zajednice, i to kod onih čiji je utjecaj na sudbinu Hrvatske bio nezanemariv. Naravno, govorili smo i o drugim stvarima.

Juliennine Ljubavnike i luđake pročitao je sa zadovoljstvom, čak je jednom rekao „kada bih ja bar mogao pisati kao ona…“. Razgovarali smo o vjeri, o postanku i opstanku svijeta, je li recimo uvjerljiviji teorija od Velikom prasku ili o Božjem stvaranju svijeta? Počeo mi je s vremenom priznavati da znanje nije sve na svijetu, da čovjek ima i svoju duhovnu stranu, da je ta strana imala svoju veliku važnost kroz povijest. Ili o Dostojevskom – je li bio stvarni vjernik ili ne? Razgovarali smo i o umjetnosti, smije li umjetnost postojati samo radi umjetnosti?

Ames je bio veliki hedonist, elitist po naravi, ateist, pa smo imali puno tema oko kojih smo polemizirali. Pročitali smo iste knjige, razmišljali o istim temama, ali naši su životi bili potpuno drukčiji. On je u Americi bio faca, bio je moćan, bogat, kretao se u visokim društvima, živio u beskrajnom izobilju. Bio je glavni američki igrač za Rusiju i glavni izaslanik za Čehoslovačku prije podjele. A ja sam dijete iz siromašne hercegovačke obitelji i nisam imao gotovo ništa materijalno. Bio sam sretan s novim cipelama ili kada bih jednom tjedno dobio malo slanine. Čak ni kasnije, kada sam se otisnuo u svijet, nisam plivao u izobilju, naprotiv češće sam bio gladan nego sit.

Ali u zatvoru smo odjednom bili ujednačeni, nijedan nije bio „bolji od drugoga“, sporazumjeli smo se kao ljudska bića, bez obzira na naše predzatvorske sudbine. Možda nas je zbližila misao da nećemo izaći iz zatvora, da ćemo obojica tu umrijeti, pa smo se osjetili slobodnima govoriti o svemu bez zadrške. Bili smo zahvalni sudbini što smo se našli u istom zatvoru.

Čitateljima je vjerojatno neshvatljivo što znači u zatvorskim uvjetima imati nekoga intelektualno doraslog, s kime možeš razmijeniti mišljenja pa bila i potpuno suprotna. Takav dijalog ispunjava i uistinu spašava. Jedan drugome nismo imali što dokazivati, nije bilo komplekasa tko je pametniji ili obrazovaniji, samo smo slobodno i s velikom radošću razmjenjivali mišljenja.

Iz današnje perspektive, žao mi je što suvremeni hrvatski „sukobljeni“ pojedinci, stranke i grupe ne mogu poput Amesa i mene pronaći zajednički jezik, uspostaviti zdrav dijalog kao „ljudska bića“, što se ne mogu izdići iznad „dokazivanja“ samo svoje istine. Hrvatska to treba, za budućnost i za dobrobit sviju nas. Još uvijek me uznemiruje kako je Ames na početku mogao imati toliko pogrešnih informacija o Hrvatskoj. Bio je iznimno pametan i obrazovan, a toliko odlučan i uporan u svojim pogrešnim uvjerenjima koja je skupljao iz raznoraznih novinskih članaka i dobivao od svojih kontakata.

To mi je jako smetalo jer značilo da on nije jedini koji tako misli, da je većina stranaca najvjerojatnije neinformirana, a pogotovo oni koji su imali utjecaj na našem području. On je isto taj koji me upoznao s djelima turskoga pisca Orhana Pamuka, svoga najomiljenijeg pisca. Općenito Turska ga je jako zanimala jer je tamo dugo bio CIA-in šef. Kada smo se sprijateljili, ispričao mi je svoju životnu priču – kako je završio u zatvoru i kako je CIA funkcionirala kao služba. Kao dokaz da ga se visoko cijenilo i nakon uhićenja, mogu iznijeti činjenicu da je redovito primao pisma raznih agencija i uglednika, a osobito kada bi se birao novi šef neke agencije ili kadrovski definirao položaj u njegovu domeni. Pitali bi ga za mišljenje o mogućim kandidatima.

Premda je bio osuđen kao izdajnik, uvažavali su njegov stav jer je o svima znao sve. Pročitao sam dosta pisama koja je primio, a onda sam se i sam otvorio, ispričao mu svoju životnu priču, detalje o našem slučaju. Pitao sam ga kako je uopće moglo doći do detonacije bombe četiri i pol sata nakon vađenja eksploziva iz sandučića? Prvo, stručnjacima sam dao točne upute kako je bomba sastavljena i kako ju je jednostavno deaktivirati, i drugo, prevezli su je na mjesto predviđeno za detoniranje. U sve je bilo uključeno trideset i dvoje ljudi, kako se otkrilo na suđenju, mahom policajaca i raznih CIA-nih i FBI-ovih stručnjaka za demontiranje eksploziva.

Ispričao sam mu sve, pitao ga je li bila moguća sabotaža, jer sam, priznajem, u to oduvijek sumnjao. Rekao mi je da je to itekako moguće, da on nije nikada bio operativac, ali da zna da su se neke službe često bavile takvim stvarima. Trebalo je imati uređaj koji ima veću frekvenciju od rezača žice, nadjačati tu frekvenciju u trenutku kada se pokušalo prerezati žicu, i ponovno staviti u funkciju kada se netko približi bombi. Tako je bilo moguće da bomba eksplodira i nekoga ubije. Danas postoje slični uređaji za probijanje brava na automobilima. Otkrio mi je mnogo o CIA-in metodama, kao i to da je Udba stalno surađivala s Amerikancima, iz čega se može zaključiti da im je moglo biti u interesu da netko pogine, kada već ništa nisu znali o samom slučaju, koji je mogao izazvati pozitivne reakcije svjetske javnosti da se nije dogodila nesretna smrt policajca.

Inače, moj mi je odvjetnik Michael Tigar, nakon što sam mu iznio svoje mišljenje da je pirotehničar B. Murray ubijen da bi se krivnja za njegovu smrt bacila na me i naš isključivo promidžbeni pothvat prikazalo kao terorizam, rekao da se takvo nešto nikada ne bi moglo iznijeti pred porotom. Čak i pod pretpostavkom da sam apsolutno u pravu i da to posvjedoči sâm Isus Krist i da je sudac apsolutno u to uvjeren. Takva otkrića u temeljima bi rušila sustav, a sudstvo i sve državne institucije su čuvari a ne rušitelji sustava.

Kada sam izrazio sumnju u dugovječnost sustava koji zataškava takve stvari, on je dodao da se o takvim i sličnim pojavama, ako postoje opravdane sumnje, provode unutarnje istrage i počinitelje, prema interesima sustava, sankcionira ili promovira, ali se o tome gotovo nikada ne vode nikakve javne rasprave. Zatim je dodao da pročitam esej Billy Budd Hermana Melvillea koji će mi dodatno pojasniti stvar.

Ames i ja raspravljali smo o njegovoj razmjeni. Nije ga napuštala nada da će biti razmijenjen, da će Rusi pustiti nekog Amerikanca, a zauzvrat dobiti njega. Međutim, Amerikanci zbog Amesova prevažnog obavještajnog profila do sada na takvo što nisu pristali. Kakogod, Amesova iskustva potvrđivala su moje još ranije, tijekom emigrantskih dana stečene spoznaje da u mreži velikih političkih igara ljudski život ne znači mnogo. Kao i to da oni koji to ponajbolje znaju, svejedno pokušavaju pomrsiti račune velikim igračima nadajući se da će baš oni izbjeći neminovan ishod upletanja u njihove igre. Tu smo Ames i ja imali dodirnih točaka. Premda su razlozi naših upletanja bili potpuno različiti.

Zvonko Bušić

EN

Zvonko believed that good things should be shared with everyone. What he lived, worked for and believed in, what he sacrificed for, is presented in his book “All Visible Things”, which is available on Amazon. From now on, you will be able to have access to this part of Croatian history every other Wednesday and print it out free of charge, in Croatian and English, on the dijaspora.hr portal. Chapter by chapter, drop of blood by drop of blood, and life day by day in 33 parts – with only one goal! He will live on…

Life and Death

My prison friend found his peace. In death. I had to search again for mine. American prisons are a kind of modern-day slave plantation, the difference being that today’s slaves are deprived of even the most basic rights, including the right to a family and children. I admit that one does not starve in these prisons and physical torture is rare, but the prisoners’ souls are constantly broken and all the virtues that make a human being human, are destroyed. Since freedom is a spiritual need, every prison is a spiritual wasteland. The majority of the prisoners have little soul left and few virtues, so, like domesticated animals, they are able to endure this human farm much easier, and through their bad behavior manage to make life miserable for others around them striving to preserve their spirit and humanity. Since I was a foreigner, all alone, it was much harder for me to endure and I doubt I would have had I not been prepared beforehand to tolerate all possible suffering and sacrifice in the name of my ideals.

Unfortunately, the merciless passage of time took its toll and as the years passed, my prisoner’s calvary became more and more difficult, so that there were years in which I felt like a man traveling along an infinite desert, totally alone and without hope of ever reaching the end. I must admit that these hopeless years were excruciatingly long and difficult, but I never despaired because I believed my imprisonment had its symbolic significance and that my endurance and steadfastness could inspire new generations of Croatians who would be able to soar above whatever it was that had clipped my wings. So I was able, up to the point the war began in Croatia and great changes came, to survive and endure my imprisonment without any particular spiritual crises.However, with the establishment of the independent Republic of Croatia, the idea I had sacrificed my freedom for lost its symbolism and meaning, and so did my imprisonment. All of a sudden, I felt like a flagman on abandoned tracks, like a lighthouse on an abandoned sea, and the light started to weaken in my soul. During the Homeland War, it was hard for me to find peace and calm, because physically I was in prison, but my heart and soul were in my homeland. Of course, I was very proud and happy when I heard reports about the heroic acts of our Croatian defenders and how they liberated meter by meter of our occupied territories. But my joy and happiness was mixed with frustration, because the realization of a man’s dreams, ideals and life goals is not in itself sufficient. In order to feel true happiness, this joy has to be shared with others, one’s colleagues, friends, loved ones.

Three or four years later, after the international recognition of Croatia, I hoped the Americans would release me, as the Germans had released other Croatian political prisoners. There was no lack of support from Zagreb. My hopes grew after the Dayton Agreement, for had been told that President Tudjman, who was asked by the Americans what they could do for him (as he had contributed the most to conclude this agreement)requested among other things that I be transferred to Croatia to serve the rest of my sentence in my own country. I was so hopeful that I sent the majority of my possessions home to Croatia. My civilian suit actually hung for 23 months in the office of my prison case manager, as I waited in expectation that I would be returned any moment, alive and healthy, to set foot on the free territory of my homeland. It was not a matter of whether they would release me from prison the next day, month, year, or even in several years, but whether I would ever be released to my homeland. This agony and torture can be understood only by those who have experienced and survived something similar. It cannot be described. I can only say how much more difficult each month of waiting was than all those hopeless years had been. Unfortunately, that was just the beginning of my bitter experiences, because Fate had prepared even harsher tribulations for my soul. As time passed, this anticipation transformed itself more and more into a “torture of hope.”

Because of all this uncertainty, which one could truly call the torments of Tantalus, I lost the ability to sleep. I would lie in bed for hours, desperately hoping that if I would think of something else, relax, free myself of dark, gloomy thoughts, I would be able to sleep for at least a few hours. But for weeks and months I was unable to sleep, or at least no more than 2-3 hours at a time. For me there is no greater torture. Physical torture at least passes quickly and you can relax, but without sleep the days are endless, intolerable; you begin to lose your orientation and your thoughts wander everywhere, so you are unsure where you are and what is happening.

While most can hardly wait to go to bed so they can relax, dream and renew the body and soul, just the thought of going to bed was a nightmare for me. I would be in fear that I would again lie awake in agony for hours, or that I would never wake up again, because to wake up you would have to go to sleep first. I was also afraid that if I would be able to fall asleep, I would wake up again after a few minutes, and that the short sleep time would be a trick, a cruel joke. The prison doctor gave me various drugs, but they had no effect whatsoever or else created horrible side effects, indescribable pain and other consequences could not endure. They finally let me try something that was otherwise prescribed only for epileptic attacks. I had little hope, but it was worth a try. I had absolutely nothing to lose. I still remember taking the tablet and then going to make a cup of coffee. But I almost didn’t make it back to my cell, so heavy had my legs become, as though they couldn’t carry me any longer. I hardly made it to my bed; I just collapsed. I ended up sleeping for twenty-two hours non-stop, like a corpse.

Other prisoners always wished for all sorts of things when they got out… women, drugs, travel, but all I wanted was sleep, a good night’s sleep. That was all I wished for. I then got back to normal little by little, became stronger, and was grateful every day that I had found a medicine that worked. But as so often happens, the prison budget was cut. I was no longer able to get my prescription because it was too expensive and only for epileptics. My sleep situation got a bit better, fortunately, but the “torture of hope” continued.

Here I would like to give a short account of a strange dream I had during these difficult times. In the dream I was having a conversation with God, which went something like this, “You came to ask me something”, I heard God say. “If you have time and if it’s not a bother”, I answer. God smiles and says, “Nothing bothers me, and my time is eternal, ask whatever your heart desires.”

“I’d like to know what surprises you most with people.” God answers, “That they are bored while they are children and hurry to grow up, and then when they grow up, they want to become children again. That they lose their soul and health to get rich, and then they waste their wealth in the search for what they have lost. They do not see that the past lives as much as the present within them, and that past, present, and future are a unity. They live their lives as if they will never die, and then die as though they had never lived.”

After a short silence, I ask, “So which life wisdom would you, Heavenly Father, especially recommend to your children?” God smiles sweetly and continues, “That they realize they cannot force anyone to love them, but must allow people to love them, and that love is not when two people gaze at each other but when they look out together in the same direction. That they learn that it’s much more important who you have in life than what you have. That it is not good to compare yourself to others, because everyone will be individually judged according to his actions and contributions. That wealth is measured not in how much you have, but in how much you can do without. That happiness does not consist of happiness, but in its attainment; in other words, hope is Life. That patience, even a second, can spare an entire life of misery. That the greatest sin is the degradation of one’s own self. That he who loves can easily hurt another, but that those wounds are not easily healed, so that one must learn to forgive. That it is not always enough to be forgiven by others, but to be able to forgive oneself. That there are people who love us but cannot always express it or show their feelings. That two people can see the same thing completely differently, but that a true friend is one who loves and values the other even when he sees deep into his soul and knows everything about him. That money can buy everything but two things: true happiness in this world and eternal life in the Kingdom of God.”

I was more than satisfied with the answer and smiled happily, thanked God for his kindness and advice, and for all he had done for my family, friends, and people. “Any time”, God answered, “I am at your disposal day and night, whenever you have a question, just turn to me and I will answer.”

I must admit that this strange conversation in my dream helped me immensely to better understand that in interpersonal relationships, not only words and actions are important, but the effect and feelings the words and actions evoke within us, and our words and actions in other people, especially those we love. Words and actions are soon forgotten, but feelings are carved deeply into the human heart and soul and thus become a part of us. Of course, I recognized in my “Conversation with God” the echoes of materials I had read and the sublimations of experiences I had had, but still it seemed I had been touched by some higher sphere, one that we turn to in times of trouble. Whether it is an angel, God, the superego or something else is unimportant; what matters is that it helps, nurtures, strengthens.

As I have said, my life as such became much more difficult after the realization of my dream of a free and independent Croatia. My sacrifice lost its meaning, as though history had passed me by without even turning back. As long as Croatia was not free, my suffering had significance and a symbolic weight, serving as comfort to those who suffered as I had, or a road map for those who were just beginning to take the uncertain and dangerous path of struggle for national liberation. I now had to find new meaning in life, new hope. Unless he has become entirely deadened, a man in prison examines his own life and the meaning of life in general. That explains why some of the most well-known and profound works of world literature are based on prison experiences. My dream of the conversation with God signaled yet another shift in my prison spiritual maturing. Between myself and these final questions there was no longer the comforting ideal of Croatian freedom; I had to confront death, not physical death (which I’d already looked in the eye several times), but death as a spiritual and intellectual issue. It is strange that some of the precious answers to these questions came to me in a dream and not during waking contemplation.

The answer to the question about Death is Life itself. The world is governed by two forces: feeling and thought. Feeling is symbolized by blood, and thought by money, because there is no more abstract and less accessible human creation than money. The forces of blood and power of money have waged merciless war throughout human history. The trouble is that blood and money have now become indistinguishable, and in a way interdependent. Blood has become addicted to money and money to blood. Blood and money are circulating, blood needs money to maintain itself, and money, blood. Feeling and thought are crippled one without the other, but still in eternal conflict. It all depends on how intertwined they are. Wherever blood rules, assisted by thought, the community grows and strengthens and the national state prospers. Wherever money rules, with blood as its servant, the community disintegrates, national states disappear, and an empire administered by financial centers is created. Since there is no affective connective tissue which binds together such an empire, it necessarily slides toward totalitarianism.

After having found comfort in unraveling certain final existential issues, riddles without clear answers, I waited for freedom or death. Strangely, they have many points of connection and are not as different as might first be imagined. On the other hand, prison is an interesting place, in spite of its horrors, a place where you can meet people you would never meet in “freedom”. Thus, this story about my life is also, in part, the story of people I met in prison.

In all honesty, most of the prisoners really are criminals, addicts, sociopaths; but it can happen that you meet interesting people there with whom you can have wise and profound conversations. One of those was Aldrich Ames, and both of us were grateful to have found each other. Ames had been a high-ranking CIA official who, for ideological reasons, money, and the greed of his wife, had sold state secrets to the Russians. If they hadn’t caught him, in my opinion he would now be the director of the CIA. He received a life sentence for espionage, and if it were not for me, I believe the Mafia, who considered him a common snitch like the ones who had sent them to prison, would have killed him. I was somehow convinced them they could not compare him with snitches from their organization because he had exposed Russians who had betrayed their country, Russia, to the Americans for money.

Our cells were right next to each other; we were next-door neighbors. For five years, we discussed everything and anything. In the beginning, he considered me a “fascist” and nationalist, totally the opposite of what he was – a hard-core leftist, but in time that changed. He was in despair because he had nobody to talk to, and so was I, so we became close. Throughout our long conversations, he changed his opinion of me and about Croatia, because, even though he was a top-notch intellectual with the power to influence events in other countries, he was totally uninformed on Croatian history. This was horrifying to me, since this same lack of understanding was present among other members of the international community, some of whom were in a position to decide Croatia’s fate. Of course, we talked about other things as well.

He read Julie’s book, Lovers and Madmen, with great interest, and even commented once that he “wished he could write like that…” We also talked about religion, the creation of the universe, whether, for example, it was a result of the Big Bang or God’s work. As time passed, he began to admit that knowledge was not everything in the world and that man had a spiritual side as well, which played a major role in history. Or about Dostoyevsky – had he been a real Christian or not? We talked about art and whether it should exist for its own sake. Ames was a hedonist, an elitist by nature, and an atheist, so we had many subjects to polemicize about. We read the same books, thought about the same issues, but our lives had been completely different. He had been a big shot in America, powerful, wealthy, traveled in high society, and lived in great affluence. He was

America’s main player in Russia and the Head Envoy for Czechoslovakia before the break-up. I was a child from impoverished Herzegovina who had had practically no material possessions whatsoever. I was happy to have a new pair of shoes and get a piece of bacon once a week. Even later, when I went out into the world, I never had much; my stomach was more often empty than full. But in prison we were equals, no one was “better” than the other, and we related to each other as human beings, regardless of pre-prison destinies.

Maybe we grew close because of the thought that we would never be released, that we would die in prison, so we felt free to talk about everything without hesitation. We were grateful to have ended up in the same prison. The reader might find it hard to comprehend the importance of finding some kind of intellectual partner in prison with whom to exchange thoughts and opinions, however different they might be. Such a dialogue is a true salvation. We had nothing to prove to one another, and there was no insecurity about who was smarter or better educated; we simply exchanged views freely and with great enthusiasm.

From today’s perspective, it saddens me that in contemporary Croatia “opposing” individuals, parties, and groups cannot achieve, as Ames and I did, a common language, and establish a healthy dialogue as “human beings”, rise above “proving” only their own truths. Croatia needs this, for its future and the welfare of all its citizens. It still upsets me greatly that Ames had so much misinformation in the beginning about Croatia. He was incredibly intelligent and educated, yet so decisive and aggressive in promoting his inaccurate beliefs obtained from various newspaper articles or contacts. This really bothered me because it meant that he was not the only one who believed this, and that most foreigners were most probably misinformed, especially those who had influence on our territories.

Ames was the one who introduced me to the works of Turkish writer, OrhanPamuk, his favorite author. Turkey interested him in general, as he had for a long time been the CIA station chief there. As proof of the respect that was held for him even after his arrest, I can relate the fact that he regularly received letters from various agencies and highly-placed people, especially when a new head of some agency was being chosen or a job definition created within his former domain. They would ask him for his opinion about possible candidates. Since he had been convicted of espionage, they placed value on his opinions, as he knew everything about everybody. I even read many of the letters he received.

In time, I began to open up a bit to him as well, telling him my life story, details about our case. I asked him how it could be possible for an explosion to occur four and a half hours after the bomb had been removed from the locker. First, I had given the experts detailed instructions as to how it was constructed and how to deactivate it, and, second, they had taken it to the detonation site. Thirty-three people in total had been involved, as was revealed during the trial, mostly police, but also various CIA and FBI experts for disassembling explosives. I told Ames everything, and asked him if sabotage were possible, because, honestly speaking, I had always suspected it. He said it was certainly possible, and although he had never been an operative, he knew agencies often did things like that. All that would be required was a device with a higher frequency than the wire-cutter. You would then override that frequency at the very moment the police attempted to cut the wires, and reactivate it when they got close to the explosives. In that way, it would have been possible to detonate the explosives and kill somebody. Today there are similar devices used by thieves to break through car security locks! He revealed many CIA methods to me, and also confirmed that the Yugoslav secret police had consistently collaborated with the Americans. From this, one can conclude that it was in their interest for someone to die, given that they had known nothing of the hijacking itself, which could have created a positive reaction in the world public if it hadn’t been for the death of the police officer.

At any rate, my attorney, Michael Tigar told me after I had given him my opinion about what had happened, that the death of the police officer was planned so that I would be held responsible and our publicity action portrayed as terrorism. He said that he would never be able to present that to the jury, even if I were absolutely right and Jesus Christ himself was testifying to it and the judge convinced of it as well. Such a revelation would shake the system at its foundations, and the court and all state institutions maintain the system, not destroy it. He added that in this and similar cases, if there were a reasonable doubt, an internal investigation would be carried out, and the perpetrators dealt with depending on the interests of the system. They would either be sanctioned or promoted, but public hearings or debates almost never occurred. He recommended also that I read Billy Budd by Herman Melville for further explanation of how this works.

Ames and I also discussed his exchange. He had not abandoned hope that he would be exchanged someday, that the Russians would release some American and in return, get him. Meanwhile, the Americans haven’t agreed to this due to Ames’ important intelligence profile.

In any case, Ames’ experience confirmed earlier conclusions I’d reached during my emigrant days that in the network of political gamesmanship, human life had little value. Moreover, those who are aware will still try to muddy the waters for the big players, hoping they will avoid becoming victims of big player games. Here Ames and I shared much in common, although the reasons for our involvement in such games were entirely different.

Zvonko Bušić

Ključne riječi #Aldrich Ames #Ljubavnici i luđaci #Zvonko Bušić